Puzzled

I don't understand this.
Been thinking about it since it happened, this afternoon.
I hope it doesn't keep me up all night. I don't want this to eat into me.

You see, the MasterChief and I used to keep in touch with MSN Messenger. After we hooked up and he got posted elsewhere, that was our lifesaver. Then it got tough for him to log on and my MSN crapped out on me so we stopped. We used something else instead.

Now with this new PC I'm on, MSN is running perfectly fine. I log in to see if I've still got my contacts when lo! I see him online. Online! Phil! A small shiver runs through me. Will we be able to communicate again like the good old days? Wouldn't that be delicious? I miss him so much, some days.

What's puzzling is that he was online for a good two hours. I sent him, like, 5 messages over that period. But I didn't get a single response. Not a single IM.

Was he online? Did he leave it running? Was he away? Was I being ignored? Did he see my messages in the first place? Should I continue to make excuses? I know how busy he can be and it would not be the first time he's had to shutdown in a hurry. He's not supposed to be using the ship's computers for personal things and MSN is certainly not Defence Department material. :o

Plus the MasterChief is not a details person. I am. When we're together, I see the grand gestures that make him so lovable. And he misses his cue on the small things I like. But that's ok. Verbal comunication takes up the slack for the both of us.

But see, then I think........ if I'm as loved as I'm supposed to be, shouldn't there be some consideration as well? Like, at the very least, a Hi Honey!? Do I bloody brood too much? Ack. Where does one draw the line? Am I being taken for granted?

Damn. Loving is difficult. After keeping myself safe for so many years, keeping heartbreak at bay for so long, I'm stuck between being loving and giving him the benefit of the doubt. And being strong and wondering if I should just bugger off.


Why can't love be simple?