I've finally received a communication from the MasterChief.
Apparently, he's depressed because he's diagnosed with testicular cancr and wants me to live a life of happiness with no baggage, hence he wrote me a GOODBYE email i.e. I got dumped. (This must surely be a male thing, about protecting the ones you love. If, indeed, it is, it is baffling to the extreme)
Well, the preditable happened - I blew up.
After waiting patently for months on end for some sort of news, the email was not well received. (Understatement of the century) Livid rage was the first emotion. How could I have been so stuipd to let things drag on for so long? Then came the heartache, the sound of a soul tinkling into a million pieces. How could he do this to me if he professed love? I was in no shape to work, having read the email at work, and I was taking calls inbetween struggling not to cry. Rage and grief. Not the best of combinations.
Bernie was a godsend. Took a half hour off work to try and settle down. Taking the entire day off was not an option. One person's personal issues shoudn't affect the rest of the team. But she had kind & wise words and she managed to project some objectivity into a distraught mind.
So I've managed to work the entire afternoon relatively calm. No sniffles. I don't know about tonight, though. *wry grin* Soooooo many things running through my mind at the moment. I didn't even reply to the email. Oh, I had something drafted, obviously, but it was emotionally charged, ranty and accusatory. Perhaps it is good I had someone to talk to initially.
But see, now I am stuck. I have the total freedom to walk away. But I find that deep down, a little voice is telling me that if your partner has a bump in life (and cancer is a big bump, assuming the story is true), shouldn't you stand by the person? Isn't that what love is? Something that sees you through the good and the bad?
You know, if the MasterChief left me for another woman, that at least would fuel a rage that would eventually help me get over him. But a disease?
Ach, I'm a quiverig ball of emotions right now. Can't think straight.
Natural introvert, learned extrovert.
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4 comments:
Chill, and smooth out.
This will pass, and you need to be whole and clean on the other side. if you are meant to be with him, you'll get back toether. if not, you need to be prepared for the next phase in your life.
So chill. And don't be afraid to look me up in IM if you need to talk.
Wow. Good for you for not responding instantly... I wish I could show that kind of restraint. Good luck, my friend. Sorry you have to contend with this.
Yeah, don't send that e-mail. Being diagnosed with cancer, especially that kind, changes everything for a guy. I know, because I went through it. Maybe he thinks he's giving you a way out so you won't have to deal with it. The good news is, this type of cancer is very survivable. He'll go through some tough times, but it's a lot easier if he has someone to share it with.
Og, Rich and Mad,
I really do appreciate the moral support. Thank you!
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